I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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