I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
