Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
