every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
