somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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