He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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