I cut my penus on the lid.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
