I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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