I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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