after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hippo gnu deer
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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