i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
