the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
