When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
