Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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