im about as happy as oj after his trial
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
