Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
