I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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