So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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