You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
