but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
