You made me cry and you don't even care
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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