Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Too much gin, very little bucket
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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