I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
