The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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