Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
