my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Shame - the story of my life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
