I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
