so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
