WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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