Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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