Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
