My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Michael Bay diarrhea
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
