Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
