I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
