Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm way too hungover for life right now
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
