Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My breasts were aching with rage.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
