This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
