So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
