my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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