Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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