conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
