I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
