Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I will be naked everywhere
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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