it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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