There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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