dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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