i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
