Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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