I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
