you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
